Discovering love languages

Love Languages  by Gary D. Chapman

Discovering the primary love language of your spouse is essential if you are to keep his/her emotional love tank full. But first,  make sure you know your own emotional love languages,  Words of Affirmation , Quality Time , Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch

What is your primary love language? What makes you feel most loved by your spouse? What do you desire above all else? If the answer to those questions does not leap to your mind immediately, perhaps it will help to look at the negative use of love languages.

What does your spouse do or say or fail to do or say that hurts you deeply?If your primary love language is used negatively by your spousethat is, he does the oppositeit will hurt you more deeply than it would hurt someone else because not only is he neglecting to speak your primary love language, he is actually using that language as a knife to your heart.

What have I most often requested of my spouse? Whatever you have most requested is probably in keeping with your primary love language. Those requests have probably been interpreted by your spouse as nagging. They have been, in fact, your efforts to secure emotional love from your spouse.

Have you heard your spouse say, I have felt neglected and unloved because seldom did he/she ever respond to my request, and not exited at so many other special things they do !

Another way to discover your primary love language is to examine what you do or say to express love to your spouse. Chances are what you are doing for her is what you wish she would do for you. !!(only a possible clue,not an absolute indicator)

If you have difficulty discovering your primary love language then either you are an Individual whose emotional love tank has been full for a long tim as your spouse has expressed love in many ways, and you are not certain which of those ways makes you feel most loved and now you simply knows that you are loved or you are an individual whose love tank has been empty for so long that you doesnt remember what makes him feel loved
Ask yourself, What did I like about my spouse in those days? What did he/she do or say that made me desire to be with her/him?What would be an ideal spouse to me? If I could have the perfect mate, what would she/he be like?

Spend some time writing down what you think is your primary love language. Then list the other four in order of importance and most importantly tell each other what you consider to be your own primary love language
Then regulary check On a scale of zero to ten, how is your love tank tonight?What could I do differently to help fill it little more?untill you reach a situation that you know what you have to do or you are doing and its beneficial effects and the need to check is no more there ! This will happen after one makes a request to fill the tank and other responds appropriately and learns to intiate without request in due course, ie both of you have the opportunity to do a reading on your love tank and to make a suggestion toward filling it.
Note that When your spouse says, What could I do to help fill your tank?your suggestions will likely cluster around your primary love language. You may request things from all five love languages, but you will have more requests centering on your primary love language. Same with what you hear from your spouse.
Learn it well, so that you know what is essential for your and what is the need of your spouse.


Loving your children : Garry Chapman


When you dont know their primary love language, pour on all five and you are bound to hit it; but if you observe their behavior, you can learn their primary love language rather early.
Adults struggle with self-esteem and feel unloved all their lives when their primary love language is violated in  a detrimental manner during childhood. Many do not remember much of what their parents said, but they do remember what their parents did.
Observe your children. Watch how they express love to others. That is a clue to their love language.
As parents, we often try to pour all of our children into the same mold.
The problem is that each child is different, and what communicates love to one child may not communicate love to another.

Negative, critical, demeaning words strike terror to  psyche. As the child gets older, we tend to condemn him for his failures rather than commend him for his successes, and this empties his emotional love tank.
QUALITY TIME :You must get down on the childs level if you eventually want to lead him to the adult world;enter into those new interests  he/she devlops if you want to meet his/her needs; giving undivided attention showing you care and really enjoy being with them and it is important for you !When you do not give attention in early days they are likely to seek the attention of peers during the adolescent years and turn away from parents who may at that time desperately desire more time with their children.
Unless Gift is the primary love language of the child, gifts may mean little emotionally to the child. The parent has good intentions, but he/she is not meeting the emotional needs of the child by giving gifts
If the gifts you give are quickly laid aside, if the child seldom says thank you, if the child does not take care of the gifts that you have given, if she does not prize those gifts, chances are Receiving Gifts is not her primary love language. If, on the other hand, your child responds to you with much thanksgiving, if she shows others the gift and tells others how wonderful you are for buying the gift, if she takes care of the gift, if she puts it in a place of prominence in her room and keeps it polished, if she plays with it often over an extended period of time, then perhaps Receiving Gifts is her primary love language.
If your child is often expressing appreciation for ordinary acts of service, that is a clue that they are emotionally important to him or her. Your acts of service are communicating love in a meaningful way. When you help him with a science project, it means more than a good grade. It means My parent loves me. When you fix a bicycle, you do more than get him back on wheels. You send him away with a full tank.
Babies who are handled often develop better emotionally than babies who are not.Your teenager may not appreciate such behavior in the presence of peers, but that doesnt mean that he does not want to be touched, especially if it is his primary love language.

Most parents sincerely love their children at the same time thousands of parents have failed to communicate love in the proper language and lots of children out there are living with an empty emotional tank.

Perhaps you do not feel loved by your older children and that is When you realize that the change is necessary
Try saying I have tried to show you my love by _______, but Im now realizing that that probably has not communicated love to you, that your love language is probably something different. I am beginning to think that your love language is probably _______. You know, I really do love you, and I hope that in the future I can express it to you in better ways

Loving the unlovable is a choice. Garry chapman


Love is not our only emotional need
If I feel loved by my spouse, I can relax, knowing that my lover will do me no ill. I feel secure in his/her presence. I may face many uncertainties in my vocation. I may have enemies in other areas of my life, but with my spouse I feel secure.
My sense of self-worth is fed by the fact that my spouse loves me. After all, if he/she loves me, I must be worth loving. My parents may have given me negative or mixed messages about my worth, but my spouse knows me as an adult and loves me. Her love builds my self-esteem.
The need for significance is the emotional force behind much of our behavior. Life is driven by the desire for success. We want our lives to count for something. We have our own idea of what it means to be significant, and we work hard to reach our goals.

In the context of marriage, if we do not feel loved, our differences are magnified. We come to view each other as a threat to our happiness. We fight for self-worth and significance, and marriage becomes a battlefield rather than a haven.Love is not the answer to everything, but it creates a climate of security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother us. In the security of love, a couple can discuss differences without condemnation.Two people who are different can learn to live together in harmony. We discover how to bring out the best in each other.

The decision to love your spouse holds tremendous potential

Have you heard a Woman say: I want him to sit on the couch with me and give me some time, look at me, talk to me about us, about our lives.(crying for attention -quality time )
and the man say : A perfect wife would be a wife who would come home in the afternoon and fix dinner for me. I would be working in the yard, and she would call me in to eat. After dinner, she would wash the dishes. I would probably help her some, but she would take the responsibility. She would sew the buttons on my shirt when they fall off.(Acts of Service)


When the tank is lowwe have no love feelings toward our spouse but simply experience emptiness and pain.

If one continues a pattern of demanding and condemning, it would destroy the marriage eventually, for it stimulates hurt anger and hate.

Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat youDo to others as you would have them do to you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you-BIBLE

Since love is such a deep emotional need, the lack of it is perhaps our deepest emotional pain , but,emotional need could be met and positive feelings could be engendered again, if we could learn to speak each others primary love language; and when that need is being met, we tend to respond positively to the person who is meeting it.

If you claim to have feelings that you do not have, that is hypocritical. But if you express an act of love that is designed for the other persons benefit or pleasure, it is simply a choice.

AND For most wives, the desire to be sexually intimate with their husbands grows out of a sense of being loved by their husbands. If they feel loved, then they desire sexual intimacy. If they do not feel loved, they likely feel used in the sexual context. That is why loving someone who is not loving you is extremely difficult. It goes against our natural tendencies.

If you claim to have feelings that you do not have, that is hypocritical and such false communication is not the way to build intimate relationships. But if you express an act of love that is designed for the other persons benefit or pleasure, it is simply a choice. You are not claiming that the action grows out of a deep emotional bonding. You are simply choosing to do something for his/her benefit., and overall benefit of the marriage.

Make the request something specific, not general. Dont say, You know, I wish we would spend more time together. Thats too vague. How will you know when hes done it? But if you make your request specific, he will know exactly what you want and you will know that, when he does it, he is choosing to do something for your benefit.If he does it, fine; if he doesnt do it, fine. But when he does it, you will know that he is responding to your needs.In the process, you are teaching him your primary love language because the requests you make are in keeping with your love language . Ask for suggestions on how you could improve. His suggestions will be a clue to his primary love language. If he makes no suggestions, guess his love language based on the things he has complained about over the years. Periodically  ask your spouse for feedback on how you are doing and for further suggestions.

Love Language #5 by Gary D. Chapman

Love Language #5  by Gary D. Chapman
Babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.In Adulthood, For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse
Tiny tactile receptors are located throughout the body. When those receptors are touched or pressed, nerves carry impulses to the brain. The brain interprets these impulses and we perceive that the thing that touched us is warm or cold, hard or soft. It causes pain or pleasure. We may also interpret it as loving or hostile. Sexual intercourse, however, is only one dialect in the love language of physical touch.
Physical touch can make or break a relationship ie  neurological basis of the sense of touch and its psychological importance can communicate hate or love.Your spouse may find some touches uncomfortable or irritating.
GUYS  Dont insist on touching her in your way and in your time. Learn to speak her love dialect. Dont make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring pleasure to her.Explicit or Implicit.
Remember You are learning to speak his/her language and so it might be a long trial and error process with frequent fair feedback .
THE BODY IS FOR TOUCHING-but not for abuse
To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally and it stems  fromm the fact When on rare occasions one man refuses to shake hands with another, it communicates a message that things are not right in their relationship. All societies have some form of physical touching as a means of social greeting.
There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to touch members of the opposite sex in every society , whether in public or in private it the cultural and personal aspect that matters
Those who do not object todays openness and freedom. on moral grounds eventually object on emotional grounds.Something about our need for intimacy and love does not allow us to give our spouse such freedom.The emotional pain is deep and intimacy evaporates when we are aware that our spouse is involved with someone else sexually.That for which he longs so deeplylove expressed by physical touch is now being given to another; making the emotional love tank  not just empty; but has been riddled by an explosion; ultimately requiring lots of effort to repair.
Almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another. Why? Because physical touch is a powerful communicator of love. In a time of crisis, more than anything, we need to feel loved. We cannot always change events, but we can survive if we feel loved.Death Disease and Disappointments are a part of life. The most important thing you can do for your mate in a time of crisis is to love him or her.Your words may mean little, but your physical touch will communicate that you really care and will be remembered
One might say ‘Spending time with me is what made me feel loved and appreciated, giving me attention. It really didnt matter whether we hugged or kissed. As long as he gave me his attention, I felt loved’
while the other would  decide not take the initiative to  reach out and touch for fear of rejection, feeling of unwanted, and unloved, insecure about the response , all the while having no idea about the feelings and expectations.
Very few seem to possess all the commonalities that are supposed to assure fewer conflicts in marriage.
Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical but everything to do with meeting emotional needs.
For the male, sexual desire is physically based. That is, the desire for sexual intercourse is stimulated by the buildup of sperm cells and seminal fluid in the seminal vesicles. When the seminal vesicles are full, there is a physical push for release. Thus, the males desire for sexual intercourse has a physical root.But if he does not enjoy physical touch at other times and in nonsexual ways, it may not be his Primary love language at all.Sexual desire is quite different from his emotional need to feel loved
For the female, sexual desire is rooted in her emotions, not her physiology. There is nothing physically that builds up and pushes her to have intercourse. Her desire is emotionally based. If she feels loved and admired and appreciated by her husband, then she has a desire to be physically intimate with him. But without the emotional closeness she may have little physical desire.

Its not how fast you learn it but how well you learn it that matters
Discovering the primary love language of your spouse is essential if you are to keep his/her emotional love tank full. But first,  make sure you know your own emotional love languages,  Words of Affirmation , Quality Time , Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch
What is your primary love language? What makes you feel most loved by your spouse? What do you desire above all else? If the answer to those questions does not leap to your mind immediately, perhaps it will help to look at the negative use of love languages. What does your spouse do or say or fail to do or say that hurts you deeply?

Love Language #4 by Gary D. Chapman

Love Language #4 by Gary D. Chapman
By acts of service, we mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her/her by serving , to express your love for them by doing things for them to please them comfort them care for them.They require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love.Serve one another in love.
Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.In fact, love is always freely given. Love cannot be demanded. We can request things of each other, but we must never demand anything.In brief, you would do things for him/her to express your love
Make a list three or four things that if he/she chose to do them would make you feel loved when you walk into the house; likewise list of things that you would really like to have his/her  help in doing, which, if he chose to do them, would help you know that he/she loved you.

Even if the partners  had the same primary love language they might be having so much difficulty if they were speaking different dialects ie They were doing things for each other but not the most important things as considered by the other.
Before marriage, we are carried along by the force of the in-love obsession. After marriage, we revert to being the people we were before we “”fell in love.”” Our actions are influenced by the model of our parents, our own personality, our perceptions of love, our emotions, needs, and desires. What we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will  do after
Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.Criticism and demands tend to drive wedges.With enough criticism, you may get acquiescence from your spouse. He may do what you want, but probably it will not be an expression of love. You can give guidance to love by making requests,but you cannot create the will to love.If we choose to love, then expressing it in the way in which our spouse requests will make our love most effective emotionally.
People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Their criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love. If we understand that, it may help us process their criticism in a more productive manner. A wife may say to her husband after he gives her a criticism, It sounds like that is extremely important to you. Could you explain why it is so crucial? Criticism often needs clarification. Initiating such a conversation may eventually turn the criticism into a request rather than a demand.
Servant OR Lover?
Due to the sociological changes and cultural upheavals of the recent past, there is no longer a common stereotype of the male and female role in todays society
When we treat our spouses as objects, we preclude the possibility of love. Manipulation by guilt (If you were a good spouse, you would do this for me) is not the language of love. Coercion by fear (You will do this or you will be sorry) is alien to love.Love says, I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me.
Before the days of television, Nuclear family, or both partners carrer oriented,a persons idea of what a husband or wife should do and how he or she should relate was influenced primarily by ones own parents.  Whatever your perceptions, chances are your spouse perceives marital roles somewhat differently than you do. A willingness to examine and change stereotypes is necessary in order to express love more effectively. Remember, there are no rewards for maintaining stereotypes, but there are tremendous benefits to meeting the emotional needs of your spouse
It doesnt come easily, learning the primary love language of your spouse and choosing to speak it makes a tremendous difference in the emotional climate of a marriage, for you may have  to work hard at tearing down the stereotype with which he had lived for so many years

Love Language #3 by Gary D. Chapman

Love Language #3 by Gary D. Chapman
Gift giving was a part of the love-marriage process from time immemorial in all cultures of the world.Is the attitude of love always accompanied by the concept of giving?
A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, Look, he was thinking of me,or, She remembered me.The gift itself is a symbol of fond thought.It doesnt matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of them.
Gifts are visual symbols of love.Gifts come in all sizes, colors, and shapes and costs.Gifts may be purchased, found, or made. Gifts need not be expensive or unique.
If receiving gifts is my primary love language, I will place great value on the ring you have given me and I will wear it with great pride. I will also be greatly moved emotionally by other gifts that you give through the years. I will see them as expressions of love. Without gifts as visual symbols, I may question your love.
Make a list of all the gifts your spouse has expressed excitement about receiving through the years..kind of gifts your spouse would enjoy receiving. In the meantime, select gifts that you feel comfortable purchasing, making, or finding, and give them to your spouse. Dont wait for a special occasion
Each of us has an individualized perception of the purposes of money, and we have various emotions associated with spending it. Some of us have a spending orientation. We feel good about ourselves when we are spending money. Others have a saving and investing perspective.
You may even be hesitant since you dont purchase things for yourself, Why should you purchase things for your spouse?
Know that by giving GIFTS  You are investing in your relationship and filling your spouses emotional love tank, and with a full love tank, he or she will likely reciprocate emotional love to you in a language you will understand so that your marriage will take on a whole new dimension.
There is an intangible gift that sometimes speaks more loudly than a gift that can be held in ones hand. The gift of presence.Being there when your spouse needs you speaks loudly about your priority.Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give
Verbalize that to your spouse if presence is important to you,
Try to get her/him a gift every day for one week and see if it made any difference and then , maybe not every day,but at least once a week.
For some individuals, gifts worth has nothing to do with monetary value and everything to do with love, the intention, the act, the discipline.

At the heart of love is the spirit of giving..
If your spouses primary love language is receiving gifts, you can become a proficient gift giver. In fact, it is one of the easiest love languages to learn.If receiving gifts is his/her primary love language, almost anything you give will be received as an expression of love.
Learning the right love language was the key to helping another person feel loved

Love Language #2 by garry d chapman

Love Language #2
By quality time,we mean giving someone your undivided attention not sitting on the couch watching television together but looking at each other and talking, giving each other your undivided attention to the conversation. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. Have you ever noticed that in a restaurant, you can almost always tell the difference between a dating couple and a married couple?
A central aspect of quality time is togetherness, not just proximity Togetherness has to do with focused attention
Quality time does not mean that we have to spend our together moments gazing into each others eyes. It means that we are doing something together and that we are giving our full attention to the other person. The activity in which we are both engaged is incidental. The important thing emotionally is that we are spending focused time with each other. The activity is a vehicle that creates the sense of togetherness
What happens on the emotional level is what matters. Our spending time together in a common pursuit communicates that we care about each other, that we enjoy being with each other, that we like to do things together.
It is one with sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. If your spouses primary love language is quality time, such dialogue is crucial to his or her emotional sense of being loved.
Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.
It means I will have to focus on drawing you out, listening sympathetically to what you have to say. I will ask questions, not in a badgering manner but with a genuine desire to understand your thoughts, feelings, and desires.
Many of usare trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.May be what the spouse wants is sympathy not suggestions when they talk to you about problems.
While she longed for him to focus attention on her by listening to her pain and frustration, he was not focusing on listening but on speaking.
We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested and never in a condescending manner.We are far more efficient in thinking and speaking. Learning to listen may be as difficult as learning a foreign language, but learn we must, if we want to communicate love
1. Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking 2. Dont listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time 3. Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, What emotion is my spouse experiencing?4. Observe body language..body speaks one message while words from lips speak another..5. Refuse to interrupt and  interject your own ideas.
Quality conversation requires self-revelation
When you let the spouse know what you are thinking or feeling presently -it would lead to intimacy.
Many adults grew up in homes where the expression of thoughts and feelings was not encouraged but condemned since as  child they learnt  that expressing feelings or desires is not appropriate for he/she was made to feel guilty and disappointed again and again.
If you need to learn the language of quality conversation, begin by noting the emotions you feel away from home.
Three times each day, ask yourself, What emotions have I felt in the last three hours? Note  down the events and associated the feelings so that you will develop an awareness of your emotional nature. Now communicate your emotions and the events briefly with your spouse as many days as possible. Remember, emotions themselves are neither good nor bad. They are simply our psychological responses to the events of life and form basis of our decisions.
In each of lifes events, we have emotions, thoughts, desires, and eventually actions. It is the expression of that process that we call self-revelation.
Not all of us are out of touch with our emotions, but when it comes to talking, all of us are affected by our personality. One type receives many experiences, emotions, and thoughts throughout the day but are perfectly happy not to talk about it at all.Another type is whatever enters into the eye gate or the ear gate comes out the mouth gate and there are seldom sixty seconds between the two.In fact if no one is at home to talk to, they will call someone else.
We are influenced by our personality but not controlled by it.
One way to learn new patterns is to establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them
Here The emphasis is on being together, doing things together, giving each other undivided attention; include anything in which one or both of you have an interest. The emphasis is not on what you are doing but on why you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away from it feeling  He/she cares about me and willing to do what i enjoy.
You may not love symphony but your purpose in life is to love your Wife and to express it in a way she appreciates you need to take her to the symphony concert..! , if that is what she loves.
The essential ingredients in a quality activity are: (1) at least one of you wants to do it, (2) the other is willing to do it, (3) both of you know why you are doing its to express love by being together and also ..they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead…
Because it is just as essential to our marriage as meals are to our health, we had to find time for these .
Whats in it for me? The pleasure of living with a spouse who feels loved and knowing that I have learned to speak his or her love language fluently.

What makes one person feel loved emotionally is not always the thing that makes another person feel loved emotionally (the same way/in the same sense)