Love Language #2 by garry d chapman

Love Language #2
By quality time,we mean giving someone your undivided attention not sitting on the couch watching television together but looking at each other and talking, giving each other your undivided attention to the conversation. It means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. Have you ever noticed that in a restaurant, you can almost always tell the difference between a dating couple and a married couple?
A central aspect of quality time is togetherness, not just proximity Togetherness has to do with focused attention
Quality time does not mean that we have to spend our together moments gazing into each others eyes. It means that we are doing something together and that we are giving our full attention to the other person. The activity in which we are both engaged is incidental. The important thing emotionally is that we are spending focused time with each other. The activity is a vehicle that creates the sense of togetherness
What happens on the emotional level is what matters. Our spending time together in a common pursuit communicates that we care about each other, that we enjoy being with each other, that we like to do things together.
It is one with sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. If your spouses primary love language is quality time, such dialogue is crucial to his or her emotional sense of being loved.
Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.
It means I will have to focus on drawing you out, listening sympathetically to what you have to say. I will ask questions, not in a badgering manner but with a genuine desire to understand your thoughts, feelings, and desires.
Many of usare trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.May be what the spouse wants is sympathy not suggestions when they talk to you about problems.
While she longed for him to focus attention on her by listening to her pain and frustration, he was not focusing on listening but on speaking.
We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested and never in a condescending manner.We are far more efficient in thinking and speaking. Learning to listen may be as difficult as learning a foreign language, but learn we must, if we want to communicate love
1. Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking 2. Dont listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time 3. Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, What emotion is my spouse experiencing?4. Observe body language..body speaks one message while words from lips speak another..5. Refuse to interrupt and  interject your own ideas.
Quality conversation requires self-revelation
When you let the spouse know what you are thinking or feeling presently -it would lead to intimacy.
Many adults grew up in homes where the expression of thoughts and feelings was not encouraged but condemned since as  child they learnt  that expressing feelings or desires is not appropriate for he/she was made to feel guilty and disappointed again and again.
If you need to learn the language of quality conversation, begin by noting the emotions you feel away from home.
Three times each day, ask yourself, What emotions have I felt in the last three hours? Note  down the events and associated the feelings so that you will develop an awareness of your emotional nature. Now communicate your emotions and the events briefly with your spouse as many days as possible. Remember, emotions themselves are neither good nor bad. They are simply our psychological responses to the events of life and form basis of our decisions.
In each of lifes events, we have emotions, thoughts, desires, and eventually actions. It is the expression of that process that we call self-revelation.
Not all of us are out of touch with our emotions, but when it comes to talking, all of us are affected by our personality. One type receives many experiences, emotions, and thoughts throughout the day but are perfectly happy not to talk about it at all.Another type is whatever enters into the eye gate or the ear gate comes out the mouth gate and there are seldom sixty seconds between the two.In fact if no one is at home to talk to, they will call someone else.
We are influenced by our personality but not controlled by it.
One way to learn new patterns is to establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them
Here The emphasis is on being together, doing things together, giving each other undivided attention; include anything in which one or both of you have an interest. The emphasis is not on what you are doing but on why you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away from it feeling  He/she cares about me and willing to do what i enjoy.
You may not love symphony but your purpose in life is to love your Wife and to express it in a way she appreciates you need to take her to the symphony concert..! , if that is what she loves.
The essential ingredients in a quality activity are: (1) at least one of you wants to do it, (2) the other is willing to do it, (3) both of you know why you are doing its to express love by being together and also ..they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead…
Because it is just as essential to our marriage as meals are to our health, we had to find time for these .
Whats in it for me? The pleasure of living with a spouse who feels loved and knowing that I have learned to speak his or her love language fluently.

What makes one person feel loved emotionally is not always the thing that makes another person feel loved emotionally (the same way/in the same sense)

Love lanuguage 1 by Garry Chapman

Love Language #1
The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate.
Know that verbal compliments are far greater motivators than nagging words
The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our spouse desires.
The word encourage means “to inspire courage.” All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage, and that lack of courage often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things that we would like to do. The latent potential within your spouse in his or her areas of insecurity may await your encouraging words. Your words may give your spouse the courage necessary to take that first step.
We not talking about pressuring your spouse to do something that you want butnencouraing in an area they already have an interest
Until she has the desire, your words will fall into the category of preaching. Such words seldom encourage and may turn outnsounding rejection instead of love
Realize that life’s deepest meaning is not found in accomplishments but in relationships.
Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse.
Most of us have more potential than we will ever develop. What holds us back is often courage. A loving spouse can supply that all-important catalyst. Of course, you need to learn to do so.
Love is kind. If then we are to communicate love verbally, we must use kind words. That has to do with the way we speak. The same sentence can have two different meanings, depending on how you say it. build intimacy by sharing your feelings snd emotions in proper tone, seeking   for an opportunity to discuss a hurt in order to find healing
You will seek understanding and reconciliation, and not to prove your own perception as the only logical way to interpret what has happened. That is mature love—love to which we aspire if we seek a growing marriage.
Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. In marriage we do not always do the best or right thing
We can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in the future. Having confessed my failure and asked forgiveness, I can do nothing more to mitigate the hurt it may have caused my spouse. When I have been wronged by my spouse and she has painfully confessed it and requested forgiveness, I have the option of justice or forgiveness. If,  I choose to forgive, intimacy can be restored. Forgiveness is the way of love. Forget. Forbear. do not mess up every new day with yesterday bringing into today the failures of yesterday and in so doing,  pollute a potentially wonderful day.
If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants
We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love. “I love you. I care about you, Even though my feelings of hurt may linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. I hope that we can learn from this experience. You are not a failure because you have failed. You are my spouse, and together we will go on from here”
Love makes requests, not demands. In marriage, however, we are equal, adult partners. We are not perfect to be sure, but we are adults and we are partners. If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. The way we express those desires, however, is all-important. If they come across as demands, we have erased the possibility of intimacy and will drive our spouse away. If, however, we make known our needs and desires as requests, we are giving guidance, not ultimatums.
When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities. You are in essence indicating that she has something or can do something that is meaningful and worthwhile to you. When, however, you make demands, you have become not a lover but a tyrant. Your spouse will feel not affirmed but belittled. A request introduces the element of choice. Your mate may choose to respond to your request or to deny it, because love is always a choice. That’s what makes it meaningful. To know that my spouse loves me enough to respond to one of my requests communicates emotionally that she he cares about me, respects me, admires me, and wants to do something to please me. We cannot get emotional love by way of demand
deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. Words of affirmation will meet that need in many individuals.
Key is.. express verbal appreciation for the things you like about the other person and, for the moment, suspending your complaints about the things you do not like.
Decide to Make this expression of affirmative love deliberate and determined effort.
Garry chapman