Love lanuguage 1 by Garry Chapman

Love Language #1
AFFIRMATION
The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate.
Know that verbal compliments are far greater motivators than nagging words
The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate and do something our spouse desires.
ENCOURAGEMENT
The word encourage means “to inspire courage.” All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage, and that lack of courage often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things that we would like to do. The latent potential within your spouse in his or her areas of insecurity may await your encouraging words. Your words may give your spouse the courage necessary to take that first step.
We not talking about pressuring your spouse to do something that you want butnencouraing in an area they already have an interest
Until she has the desire, your words will fall into the category of preaching. Such words seldom encourage and may turn outnsounding rejection instead of love
Realize that life’s deepest meaning is not found in accomplishments but in relationships.
Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse.
Most of us have more potential than we will ever develop. What holds us back is often courage. A loving spouse can supply that all-important catalyst. Of course, you need to learn to do so.
Kindness
Love is kind. If then we are to communicate love verbally, we must use kind words. That has to do with the way we speak. The same sentence can have two different meanings, depending on how you say it. build intimacy by sharing your feelings snd emotions in proper tone, seeking   for an opportunity to discuss a hurt in order to find healing
You will seek understanding and reconciliation, and not to prove your own perception as the only logical way to interpret what has happened. That is mature love—love to which we aspire if we seek a growing marriage.
Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. In marriage we do not always do the best or right thing
We can ask for forgiveness and try to act differently in the future. Having confessed my failure and asked forgiveness, I can do nothing more to mitigate the hurt it may have caused my spouse. When I have been wronged by my spouse and she has painfully confessed it and requested forgiveness, I have the option of justice or forgiveness. If,  I choose to forgive, intimacy can be restored. Forgiveness is the way of love. Forget. Forbear. do not mess up every new day with yesterday bringing into today the failures of yesterday and in so doing,  pollute a potentially wonderful day.
If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants
We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love. “I love you. I care about you, Even though my feelings of hurt may linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. I hope that we can learn from this experience. You are not a failure because you have failed. You are my spouse, and together we will go on from here”
Humility
Love makes requests, not demands. In marriage, however, we are equal, adult partners. We are not perfect to be sure, but we are adults and we are partners. If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. The way we express those desires, however, is all-important. If they come across as demands, we have erased the possibility of intimacy and will drive our spouse away. If, however, we make known our needs and desires as requests, we are giving guidance, not ultimatums.
When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities. You are in essence indicating that she has something or can do something that is meaningful and worthwhile to you. When, however, you make demands, you have become not a lover but a tyrant. Your spouse will feel not affirmed but belittled. A request introduces the element of choice. Your mate may choose to respond to your request or to deny it, because love is always a choice. That’s what makes it meaningful. To know that my spouse loves me enough to respond to one of my requests communicates emotionally that she he cares about me, respects me, admires me, and wants to do something to please me. We cannot get emotional love by way of demand
deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. Words of affirmation will meet that need in many individuals.
Key is.. express verbal appreciation for the things you like about the other person and, for the moment, suspending your complaints about the things you do not like.
Decide to Make this expression of affirmative love deliberate and determined effort.
Garry chapman

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