Love Language #4 by Gary D. Chapman
ACTS OF SERVICE
By acts of service, we mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her/her by serving , to express your love for them by doing things for them to please them comfort them care for them.They require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love.Serve one another in love.
Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.In fact, love is always freely given. Love cannot be demanded. We can request things of each other, but we must never demand anything.In brief, you would do things for him/her to express your love
Make a list three or four things that if he/she chose to do them would make you feel loved when you walk into the house; likewise list of things that you would really like to have his/her help in doing, which, if he chose to do them, would help you know that he/she loved you.
Even if the partners had the same primary love language they might be having so much difficulty if they were speaking different dialects ie They were doing things for each other but not the most important things as considered by the other.
Before marriage, we are carried along by the force of the in-love obsession. After marriage, we revert to being the people we were before we “”fell in love.”” Our actions are influenced by the model of our parents, our own personality, our perceptions of love, our emotions, needs, and desires. What we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after
Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.Criticism and demands tend to drive wedges.With enough criticism, you may get acquiescence from your spouse. He may do what you want, but probably it will not be an expression of love. You can give guidance to love by making requests,but you cannot create the will to love.If we choose to love, then expressing it in the way in which our spouse requests will make our love most effective emotionally.
People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Their criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love. If we understand that, it may help us process their criticism in a more productive manner. A wife may say to her husband after he gives her a criticism, It sounds like that is extremely important to you. Could you explain why it is so crucial? Criticism often needs clarification. Initiating such a conversation may eventually turn the criticism into a request rather than a demand.
Servant OR Lover?
Due to the sociological changes and cultural upheavals of the recent past, there is no longer a common stereotype of the male and female role in todays society
When we treat our spouses as objects, we preclude the possibility of love. Manipulation by guilt (If you were a good spouse, you would do this for me) is not the language of love. Coercion by fear (You will do this or you will be sorry) is alien to love.Love says, I love you too much to let you treat me this way. It is not good for you or me.
Before the days of television, Nuclear family, or both partners carrer oriented,a persons idea of what a husband or wife should do and how he or she should relate was influenced primarily by ones own parents. Whatever your perceptions, chances are your spouse perceives marital roles somewhat differently than you do. A willingness to examine and change stereotypes is necessary in order to express love more effectively. Remember, there are no rewards for maintaining stereotypes, but there are tremendous benefits to meeting the emotional needs of your spouse
It doesnt come easily, learning the primary love language of your spouse and choosing to speak it makes a tremendous difference in the emotional climate of a marriage, for you may have to work hard at tearing down the stereotype with which he had lived for so many years