Loving your children : Garry Chapman


When you dont know their primary love language, pour on all five and you are bound to hit it; but if you observe their behavior, you can learn their primary love language rather early.
Adults struggle with self-esteem and feel unloved all their lives when their primary love language is violated in  a detrimental manner during childhood. Many do not remember much of what their parents said, but they do remember what their parents did.
Observe your children. Watch how they express love to others. That is a clue to their love language.
As parents, we often try to pour all of our children into the same mold.
The problem is that each child is different, and what communicates love to one child may not communicate love to another.

Negative, critical, demeaning words strike terror to  psyche. As the child gets older, we tend to condemn him for his failures rather than commend him for his successes, and this empties his emotional love tank.
QUALITY TIME :You must get down on the childs level if you eventually want to lead him to the adult world;enter into those new interests  he/she devlops if you want to meet his/her needs; giving undivided attention showing you care and really enjoy being with them and it is important for you !When you do not give attention in early days they are likely to seek the attention of peers during the adolescent years and turn away from parents who may at that time desperately desire more time with their children.
Unless Gift is the primary love language of the child, gifts may mean little emotionally to the child. The parent has good intentions, but he/she is not meeting the emotional needs of the child by giving gifts
If the gifts you give are quickly laid aside, if the child seldom says thank you, if the child does not take care of the gifts that you have given, if she does not prize those gifts, chances are Receiving Gifts is not her primary love language. If, on the other hand, your child responds to you with much thanksgiving, if she shows others the gift and tells others how wonderful you are for buying the gift, if she takes care of the gift, if she puts it in a place of prominence in her room and keeps it polished, if she plays with it often over an extended period of time, then perhaps Receiving Gifts is her primary love language.
If your child is often expressing appreciation for ordinary acts of service, that is a clue that they are emotionally important to him or her. Your acts of service are communicating love in a meaningful way. When you help him with a science project, it means more than a good grade. It means My parent loves me. When you fix a bicycle, you do more than get him back on wheels. You send him away with a full tank.
Babies who are handled often develop better emotionally than babies who are not.Your teenager may not appreciate such behavior in the presence of peers, but that doesnt mean that he does not want to be touched, especially if it is his primary love language.

Most parents sincerely love their children at the same time thousands of parents have failed to communicate love in the proper language and lots of children out there are living with an empty emotional tank.

Perhaps you do not feel loved by your older children and that is When you realize that the change is necessary
Try saying I have tried to show you my love by _______, but Im now realizing that that probably has not communicated love to you, that your love language is probably something different. I am beginning to think that your love language is probably _______. You know, I really do love you, and I hope that in the future I can express it to you in better ways

Loving the unlovable is a choice. Garry chapman


Love is not our only emotional need
If I feel loved by my spouse, I can relax, knowing that my lover will do me no ill. I feel secure in his/her presence. I may face many uncertainties in my vocation. I may have enemies in other areas of my life, but with my spouse I feel secure.
My sense of self-worth is fed by the fact that my spouse loves me. After all, if he/she loves me, I must be worth loving. My parents may have given me negative or mixed messages about my worth, but my spouse knows me as an adult and loves me. Her love builds my self-esteem.
The need for significance is the emotional force behind much of our behavior. Life is driven by the desire for success. We want our lives to count for something. We have our own idea of what it means to be significant, and we work hard to reach our goals.

In the context of marriage, if we do not feel loved, our differences are magnified. We come to view each other as a threat to our happiness. We fight for self-worth and significance, and marriage becomes a battlefield rather than a haven.Love is not the answer to everything, but it creates a climate of security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother us. In the security of love, a couple can discuss differences without condemnation.Two people who are different can learn to live together in harmony. We discover how to bring out the best in each other.

The decision to love your spouse holds tremendous potential

Have you heard a Woman say: I want him to sit on the couch with me and give me some time, look at me, talk to me about us, about our lives.(crying for attention -quality time )
and the man say : A perfect wife would be a wife who would come home in the afternoon and fix dinner for me. I would be working in the yard, and she would call me in to eat. After dinner, she would wash the dishes. I would probably help her some, but she would take the responsibility. She would sew the buttons on my shirt when they fall off.(Acts of Service)


When the tank is lowwe have no love feelings toward our spouse but simply experience emptiness and pain.

If one continues a pattern of demanding and condemning, it would destroy the marriage eventually, for it stimulates hurt anger and hate.

Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat youDo to others as you would have them do to you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you-BIBLE

Since love is such a deep emotional need, the lack of it is perhaps our deepest emotional pain , but,emotional need could be met and positive feelings could be engendered again, if we could learn to speak each others primary love language; and when that need is being met, we tend to respond positively to the person who is meeting it.

If you claim to have feelings that you do not have, that is hypocritical. But if you express an act of love that is designed for the other persons benefit or pleasure, it is simply a choice.

AND For most wives, the desire to be sexually intimate with their husbands grows out of a sense of being loved by their husbands. If they feel loved, then they desire sexual intimacy. If they do not feel loved, they likely feel used in the sexual context. That is why loving someone who is not loving you is extremely difficult. It goes against our natural tendencies.

If you claim to have feelings that you do not have, that is hypocritical and such false communication is not the way to build intimate relationships. But if you express an act of love that is designed for the other persons benefit or pleasure, it is simply a choice. You are not claiming that the action grows out of a deep emotional bonding. You are simply choosing to do something for his/her benefit., and overall benefit of the marriage.

Make the request something specific, not general. Dont say, You know, I wish we would spend more time together. Thats too vague. How will you know when hes done it? But if you make your request specific, he will know exactly what you want and you will know that, when he does it, he is choosing to do something for your benefit.If he does it, fine; if he doesnt do it, fine. But when he does it, you will know that he is responding to your needs.In the process, you are teaching him your primary love language because the requests you make are in keeping with your love language . Ask for suggestions on how you could improve. His suggestions will be a clue to his primary love language. If he makes no suggestions, guess his love language based on the things he has complained about over the years. Periodically  ask your spouse for feedback on how you are doing and for further suggestions.