Loving the unlovable is a choice. Garry chapman


Love is not our only emotional need
If I feel loved by my spouse, I can relax, knowing that my lover will do me no ill. I feel secure in his/her presence. I may face many uncertainties in my vocation. I may have enemies in other areas of my life, but with my spouse I feel secure.
My sense of self-worth is fed by the fact that my spouse loves me. After all, if he/she loves me, I must be worth loving. My parents may have given me negative or mixed messages about my worth, but my spouse knows me as an adult and loves me. Her love builds my self-esteem.
The need for significance is the emotional force behind much of our behavior. Life is driven by the desire for success. We want our lives to count for something. We have our own idea of what it means to be significant, and we work hard to reach our goals.

In the context of marriage, if we do not feel loved, our differences are magnified. We come to view each other as a threat to our happiness. We fight for self-worth and significance, and marriage becomes a battlefield rather than a haven.Love is not the answer to everything, but it creates a climate of security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother us. In the security of love, a couple can discuss differences without condemnation.Two people who are different can learn to live together in harmony. We discover how to bring out the best in each other.

The decision to love your spouse holds tremendous potential

Have you heard a Woman say: I want him to sit on the couch with me and give me some time, look at me, talk to me about us, about our lives.(crying for attention -quality time )
and the man say : A perfect wife would be a wife who would come home in the afternoon and fix dinner for me. I would be working in the yard, and she would call me in to eat. After dinner, she would wash the dishes. I would probably help her some, but she would take the responsibility. She would sew the buttons on my shirt when they fall off.(Acts of Service)


When the tank is lowwe have no love feelings toward our spouse but simply experience emptiness and pain.

If one continues a pattern of demanding and condemning, it would destroy the marriage eventually, for it stimulates hurt anger and hate.

Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat youDo to others as you would have them do to you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you-BIBLE

Since love is such a deep emotional need, the lack of it is perhaps our deepest emotional pain , but,emotional need could be met and positive feelings could be engendered again, if we could learn to speak each others primary love language; and when that need is being met, we tend to respond positively to the person who is meeting it.

If you claim to have feelings that you do not have, that is hypocritical. But if you express an act of love that is designed for the other persons benefit or pleasure, it is simply a choice.

AND For most wives, the desire to be sexually intimate with their husbands grows out of a sense of being loved by their husbands. If they feel loved, then they desire sexual intimacy. If they do not feel loved, they likely feel used in the sexual context. That is why loving someone who is not loving you is extremely difficult. It goes against our natural tendencies.

If you claim to have feelings that you do not have, that is hypocritical and such false communication is not the way to build intimate relationships. But if you express an act of love that is designed for the other persons benefit or pleasure, it is simply a choice. You are not claiming that the action grows out of a deep emotional bonding. You are simply choosing to do something for his/her benefit., and overall benefit of the marriage.

Make the request something specific, not general. Dont say, You know, I wish we would spend more time together. Thats too vague. How will you know when hes done it? But if you make your request specific, he will know exactly what you want and you will know that, when he does it, he is choosing to do something for your benefit.If he does it, fine; if he doesnt do it, fine. But when he does it, you will know that he is responding to your needs.In the process, you are teaching him your primary love language because the requests you make are in keeping with your love language . Ask for suggestions on how you could improve. His suggestions will be a clue to his primary love language. If he makes no suggestions, guess his love language based on the things he has complained about over the years. Periodically  ask your spouse for feedback on how you are doing and for further suggestions.