Love Languages by Gary D. Chapman
Discovering the primary love language of your spouse is essential if you are to keep his/her emotional love tank full. But first, make sure you know your own emotional love languages, Words of Affirmation , Quality Time , Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch
What is your primary love language? What makes you feel most loved by your spouse? What do you desire above all else? If the answer to those questions does not leap to your mind immediately, perhaps it will help to look at the negative use of love languages.
What does your spouse do or say or fail to do or say that hurts you deeply?If your primary love language is used negatively by your spousethat is, he does the oppositeit will hurt you more deeply than it would hurt someone else because not only is he neglecting to speak your primary love language, he is actually using that language as a knife to your heart.
What have I most often requested of my spouse? Whatever you have most requested is probably in keeping with your primary love language. Those requests have probably been interpreted by your spouse as nagging. They have been, in fact, your efforts to secure emotional love from your spouse.
Have you heard your spouse say, I have felt neglected and unloved because seldom did he/she ever respond to my request, and not exited at so many other special things they do !
Another way to discover your primary love language is to examine what you do or say to express love to your spouse. Chances are what you are doing for her is what you wish she would do for you. !!(only a possible clue,not an absolute indicator)
If you have difficulty discovering your primary love language then either you are an Individual whose emotional love tank has been full for a long tim as your spouse has expressed love in many ways, and you are not certain which of those ways makes you feel most loved and now you simply knows that you are loved or you are an individual whose love tank has been empty for so long that you doesnt remember what makes him feel loved
Ask yourself, What did I like about my spouse in those days? What did he/she do or say that made me desire to be with her/him?What would be an ideal spouse to me? If I could have the perfect mate, what would she/he be like?
Spend some time writing down what you think is your primary love language. Then list the other four in order of importance and most importantly tell each other what you consider to be your own primary love language
Then regulary check On a scale of zero to ten, how is your love tank tonight?What could I do differently to help fill it little more?untill you reach a situation that you know what you have to do or you are doing and its beneficial effects and the need to check is no more there ! This will happen after one makes a request to fill the tank and other responds appropriately and learns to intiate without request in due course, ie both of you have the opportunity to do a reading on your love tank and to make a suggestion toward filling it.
Note that When your spouse says, What could I do to help fill your tank?your suggestions will likely cluster around your primary love language. You may request things from all five love languages, but you will have more requests centering on your primary love language. Same with what you hear from your spouse.
Learn it well, so that you know what is essential for your and what is the need of your spouse.